Tales from the car lot: entry 1

As you 14 followers know, I'm in the market for a new (to me) car. After some research on the world wide web and pep talks from everyone in my family and a few co-workers, I decided to go to a dealership in Olathe that had a car I was interested in. Everyone told me: "Have fun." "Just go take some for a test drive." "No pressure."

Not gonna lie, it wasn't fun. And I'm really only finding the humor in it 2 days later.

I pull into the car lot that is roughly the same size as my hometown, and only find the new car section of Avengers. I get out and take a look, even though I have no intentions of buying a brand new car. I'm then approached by Derek, a big, black, 51-year old car salesman that opens with: "Is anybody helping you find the car of your dreams?"

I foolishly answered, "no" and so begins the most ridiculous 27 minutes of my life.

I explain that I had found an '08 Avenger online that I wanted to check out. He drives me over to the used car area and we soon discover said car is parked where the newly "sold" vehicles get parked.

But wait! Derek has an idea. There is an '09 model in gold, barf, that is only $2K more. No way in hell this is happening, but I'm here, I might as well take it for a test drive, right? It takes him a good 7 minutes to track down the keys to the car. We get in, and drive on a frontage road and back around to the lot for a grand total of ohhhh ......... about 4 minutes. In that 4 minutes, he asks me when my birthday is, I tell him the month and day and he says, "Oh, you're a pisces too?!"

I'm sorry, what 50 year old man knows his zodiac sign and proceeds to outline the characteristics of the sign??!?!

Keep in mind, at no point did he point out one feature of the car, not even the vanity mirrors!

So we pull back in to the dealership, I put it in park, and he asks, "So do you like it."

Again, I foolishly answer in a half-hearted, "yeah," because I didn't feel prepared enough to outline what I didn't like about this car, I just knew I didn't want it.

"Great, why don't we go inside and talk numbers."

I think that's a little aggressive and fear this is going to end awkwardly, but hope I'm wrong. I sit down and in what i can only assume is a sales tactic, he takes 5 minutes to come back in, lays a form in front of me and says, "Start filling this out and I'll be right back."

"Whoa, there big fella." (ok I didn't say big fella) "I'm not buying the car today."

"Whaaaaaaaaat?? Are you playing me guuuurl? What's the problem? You said you loved this car and you want to buy it. Was it something I said? Is my hair not combed? Do I stink?"

"Uhhh no, you asked me if I liked it. Not if I was going to buy it."

He then spends the next 6 or so minutes trying to convince me that I am the world's biggest idiot for not taking advantage of this great deal.

And the icing on the cake, wait for it....

wait for it...

As I stand up to leave he says, "You know, I can't guarantee I won't sell this car before Monday while you're thinking about it."

"You know what Derek, I would hate to keep you from doing your job, so you do what you gotta do. If you sell it then I guess it wasn't meant to be."

Jackwagon.

I didn't get to turn on the stereo, roll down a window, open the built in cooler, or set the damn cruise control. Do people really buy cars that quickly and with that little of thought?

Lesson learned. I'm not going car shopping again by myself. At the very least I'm taking a girlfriend in a low cut top to distract the goon's attention so that I can actually look at a car.

Any readers who know where I can find a great deal on a Dodge Avenger, V6, ABS, lower milage, lower cost, not gold or red, let me know.